Look at what you've done,
I thought that you were the one.
Instead you've hurt me:
you laugh when you see me bleed—
You are a calamity.
You've always known my nature.
Don't act innocent;
heartbreaking has always been
my true personality.
Tell me, is this real:
do you truly love me when
you still sleep with her?
Memory is my
enemy— it reminds me
that you could care less.
With my lips, I drank you in
And with my eyes, I cried you out
She takes long showers,
Not because she needs to clean
Or that she takes her time,
But because it’s the only time
That her cold skin ever warms up;
Her frozen heart pumps with life.
Only then does she feel
Like nothing ever happened to her.
She can even pretend
That when she steps out
She won’t feel the shame
Cling to her skin again.
Then she would be fine—
She would never be fine,
Why are you touching
and kissing me the way that
you do with Mommy?
Dear So & So,
It’s been 5 years— I wonder if you’d recognize me; this face, this countenance, the expressions I make.
Would I recognize you? If I did, it wouldn’t surprise me. To remember your smirk, your reserved mannerisms earnestly reaching towards me, the way that your eyes would crinkle upwards as you gave a genuine laugh— would I?
Are you still the same? Cause what I don’t remember is the sound of my name on your lips, articulated by your tongue and echoed through your diaphragm. I don’t remember the sound of your laugh whether it was light and happy or if it was given nervously, timidly as if you were scared that someone would take it and force it back into your mouth and swallow down the reason why you ever dared to open up.
I also don’t remember the look that your eyes had. What I like to think is that they looked lost.I believe that they did— no. I know that they did. That the way your eyes looked out into the world was as if they desired, longed, wished, wanted, lusted— that all their owner ever wanted, needed was someone to ease their loneliness. I think, I think that they looked at me that way. They told me that it was me. I thought that it was me.
Yet, 5 years have told me otherwise. The way that my phone doesn’t ring, the way that a message with your face doesn’t appear, the way that my email inbox doesn’t have your name attached to it: they all tell me it wasn’t me. Right now, I finally realize, I finally know that it wasn’t me.
So if I saw you at a glance, would I recognize you? Yes, I would, but I’ll pretend that I didn’t.
Wishing you the best, even though I do not know what that means anymore.
Saying that I don’t care
The waves of misery come towards me in waves
I stand on the shoreline, watching them go in and out
Some days the waves come, only barely soaking
The tips of my toes and the edges of my sole
Other days it comes rushing into me
Splashing roughly against my legs, soaking my torso
Today, the tide has come in slowly
Creeping, seeping into my clothes
Rising higher and higher up my body
Until it went over my head, enveloping me
Yes, drowning even now as it’s over my head
That’s how mesmerized and traumatized I am
By the waves that have taken you away from me
“Is there anything else,” he said gruffly,
“Anything else that I should know?”
Looking deep into my eyes
Those green eyes I had loved
“Shawn and I,” tearfully I said
“I know,” he said and in that instant
I regretted that this curt, analytical,
Forceful man, was exactly
What I had asked for- what I wanted.
I think of you and the memories we’ve shared
But now you’re not here
And I can’t help but feel empty.
Sometimes when I think I’m over it
I suddenly think of you and you’re there
Again, tears spill down my face.
I know that this can’t summon you
That it’s pointless to cry for something
That in this life will never be able to share
A cuddle or a nuzzle of love again.
I just want you to know
If you’re somewhere out there
And maybe, if you’re able to hear me
That even after all this time
I still miss you and will always care.